If you’re having a bad day or just looking for what to share with your friends, here are some of the best jokes ever to put a smile on your face.
1. When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”
2. Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what’s your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
3. When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think its cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
4. To the handicapped man that stole my bag…you can hide but you can’t run.
5. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An im-pasta
6. Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
7. A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
8. And Jesus said to John, “Come forth, and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
9. Parallel lines have too much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
10. Women only call me broke until they find out how much I make. Then They call me ugly and broke.
11. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
12. Two campers were walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
13. A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later, when they get together, the Priest begins, “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the Minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
14. A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
15. It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognise you.”
16. When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”
“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”
After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”
“Yes, I did.”
The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.
17. Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
18. Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
19. I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
20. I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.