53 Funny Jew Jokes To Make Your Day

Jew Jokes are an excellent way to unwind and to relieve stress. Here is our very own collection of Jewish jokes that are very humorous, I bet you’ve never seen anything like this before. Initially, I didn’t realize there was anything like Jewish jokes, a look at these will make you understand there is more to jokes than is known.

Jewish humour as we’ve come to realize has a tendency to be particularly self-indulgent, self-deprecatory, anecdotal and very funny. We’ve decided to include these examples and can only hope they’ll make you laugh. Please, don’t find the jokes offensive, it’s not our intent to offend any ethnic group. Jokes are inherently unfaithful at times; you will send them out to fetch laughter and they will return bearing a backlash of angry feeling. Whichever way, don’t forget that the jokes here were intended to make you happy. 

Jokes About Jews

1. Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello

2. Q: What does a Jewish pirate say?
A: Ahoy vey!

3. In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
A: When it graduates from med school.

4. Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porn movies backwards?
A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

5. Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

6. Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.

7. Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.

8. Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.

9. Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

10. Q: What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?
A: A Jew

11. Q: Did you hear about the short-sighted mohel (circumciser)?
A: He got the sack.

12. Q: Did you hear about the Jewish ATM?
A: When you take out some money, it says to you, what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?

13. Q: What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?
A. In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.

14. Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Because the air is free.

15. Q: How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
A: When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.

16. Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

17. Q: Did you hear about the Jewish troll?
A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin.

18. Q: Did you hear about the new tires, Firestein?
A: They not only stop on a dime, they also pick it up!

19. Q: Define: Genius
A: A “C” student with a Jewish mother.

20. Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook?
A: Hitler! Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the world. They have some cut off before they even know how big it will get.

21. Q: Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
A: It’s called “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

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22. Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: Modem anachnu loch…

23. Q: What’s the definition of a queer Jew?
A: Someone that likes girls more than money.

24. Q: Why were gentiles invented?
A: Somebody has to pay retail.

25. Q: What do you call a potato that picks on Jews?
A: a dicTATER.

26. Q: Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?
A: Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off

27. Q: Would you believe the Flinstones were Jewish?
A: Yabba Dabba Jew!

Good Jew Jokes

28. Q: How do you know when you’re on a Jewish golf course?
A: The players don’t yell ‘FORE’ they yell ‘$3.99!’

29. Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes round!

30. Q: What do you call a Jewish woman’s waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea!

31. Q: Why don’t Jews eat pork?
A: Jews may be a lot of things but cannibals they are not!

32. Q: Why do Jewish women only sleep with circumcised men?
A: They want 20% off everything!

33. Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat!

34. Q: What’s the worst part about raping a dead Jewish five-year-old?
A: Hearing the pelvis crack! What’s even worse? There’s six million more to go!

35. Q: What happens when a naked Jew with a ten-inch erection runs into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose!

36. Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Somebody dropped a shekel!

37. Q: What’s the best thing that ever came out of Auschwitz?
A: The empty buses!

38. Q: What do you call a Jewish faggot?
A: A heblew!

38. Q: How do you say FUCK YOU in Jewish?
A: “Trust me!”

40. Q: How do you say FUCK YOU, ARSEHOLE in Jewish?
A: “Trust me, my friend!”

41. Q: What’s the Jewish version of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging!

42. Q: What do you call ten Jewish bitches in a basement?
A: A whine cellar!

43. Q: What’s the difference between a vulture and a Jew?
A: A vulture waits until you are dead to eat your heart out!

44. Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after he lured him into his car?
A: “Hey, go easy on those sweets!”

45. Q: Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
A: Because the hats with little propellors cost extra!

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46. Q: What’s the Jewish version of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging!

47. Q: Do you know how to keep Jews out of a country club?
A: Let one in, and he will keep the rest out!

48. Q: Why is money green?
A: Because the Jews picked it before it was ripe!

See Also: 100 Best Funny Anti Jokes

49. Q: What’s the definition of a queer Jew?
A: A Jew that likes girls more than money!

50. Q: How was copper wiring invented?
A: Two Jews found the same penny!

51. Q: How do you take a head count in Israel?
A: Roll a penny down the street!

52. Q: What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A: A canoe tips!

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Andile Smith
Andile Smith
Andile provides articles on anything from Politics, Sports, History and entertainment to funny, creepy and weird. His passion for writing allows him to take what is ordinary and transform it into a real masterpiece. He's a true storyteller with a passion for tech and literature

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